Given that Mother’s Day has eluded you again this year I thought I would help you to express your appreciation and affection for me in ways you can afford and remember.
- Look after your own laundry, yes, YOU, clean it up off the floor and forget living from pile to pile. Oh and if you really want to rock my socks pick up your own! Don’t stop there…wash your own clothes and continue doing it for the remainder of your life! (If you master this your future spouse will rejoice!)
- If you use it…please replace it…yes, that means that when the milk is empty you get out another bag open it and put it back in the fridge so the next person can find the milk ready to pour just like you did. Be sure to keep this one up for the next 365 days! Careful…might become a habit (your future spouse will appreciate).
- Oh yes and while replacing things…the toilet paper belongs replaced on the roll so that when I hit the bathroom I am not hunting (half –dressed or less) through the rest of the house for the basics.
- Please develop a more extensive vocabulary (beyond the customary “Yep, Nope, Uh-huh, Sure and Bye”) for people who although not your friends (per say) do call our family and are victim of your secretarial services.
- Dishes never do themselves. If you are in the kitchen take a moment to contribute to my overall appreciation of you. Unload and/or load the dishwasher. Five minutes out of your day and I would be thrilled. Remember, no man has ever lost his life while doing dishes.
- Learn to anticipate the task I require you to do. Do it before you are asked. This is the key to ensuring wedded bliss in the future.
- Showering is not an “option”, a “nice-to-have” or a “maybe” ….it is a mandatory requirement as long as you live within 500 yards of any other creature on the planet. No, cologne and deodorant are not substitutes for soap and water.
- When using the bathroom please keep the seat down after you use it especially in the middle of the night (this not done could totally “sink” your marriage in the future) and pick up your towel (and whitie-tidies) off the floor.
- A big one is the garbage. Dump the household garbage and put out before it is overflowing, vermin are materializing and/or by-law is at the door. The car is NOT a garbage can (more on that…read below).
- If you borrow the car you clean it and remove your stuff out of it (not to mention replace the gas…do not return home with the tank on EMPTY) also this is not a place to store your laundry or anything else you want to leave behind.
You need not worry about remembering or acknowledging me next Mother’s Day as I will be basking in the glow of how thoughtful and appreciative you were all year round. In return you will have developed some life skills that will allow you to share your future in hopefully happy accord with a spouse. Sometime perhaps teaching children of your own the mysteries of what a Happy Mother’s Day every day all year-long looks like regardless of your financial status!
Love Your Mom”